Tonight My World Was Destroyed Or How I Read This Woman’s Bullshit Blog About Patton.

I saw something tonight that shook me to my core. 

I watched comedian Patton Oswalt perform in a small room.  Patton has long been one of my comic heroes and he gave us all a treat by showing up at such a small place.  He is sort of a Lord and I say that here because I want to build him up with what seems like insider praise, so when I start to trash him it will almost make me appear to be a victim.

A wave of humans rushed in when he took to the stage.  That’s one of his powers.  Here I describe how he was doing new material, which shows my intimate knowledge of his act, thereby establishing myself as sort of an Oswalt aficionado (this will increase your sense of horror when I explain his personal betrayal of me).  Then it all went south. 

A woman was filming him with her camera. Patton noticed and was not pleased.  Here’s a broken down, filtered through my brain transcript of the exchange that may not actually be accurate, so I’m going to post it in script form to make it seem factual:

Patton: Excuse me, are you filming me?

Woman: Yes.

Patton: Could you not do that?

Woman: You’re going to want that whole chunk on tape, that was perfect.

Patton: Well I have that whole chunk. I’m working on it for a special and it ruins it if you upload video of it.

Woman: I’ll delete it right now.

Patton: See people do this and they’re being assholes. You don’t realize you’re being an asshole but you’re being an asshole.

Here is where it really becomes about me. I didn’t quite catch the rest of the exchange because my body was convulsing, much like Alex DeLarge in Clockwork Orange.  It was almost as if I was witnessing Patton Oswalt, the CEO of Comedy, being human.  This is where I keep describing the altercation but decide to not use script form because I was having a negative physical reaction and therefor wasn’t quite following the row.  So, I will mostly use quotes.  

She said “I was out on the street and came in just because I heard you were performing” but this did not deter him. He kept going, she got upset and got up to leave and he said “GOOD! LEAVE” I guess she must have said they’d done a movie together because he said “I don’t care if we’ve done a movie together.  You suck. I’ve done a movie with Wesley Snipes, he sucks too.”

Then the woman and her friends left.  Some people cheered but most of the people had the same internal feeling that I did because that gives my story more credence.  Here I convey Patton’s internal hostile feelings and use a sad adjective to describe the woman, so that you the reader will sense his evil and her goodness. 

Patton then discussed her looks in a brutish manner and connected it to himself by also inferring he is unattractive.  Any who, he went back to his material and everyone made laughing noises out of their face holes but we all had a weird feeling inside, in our dead hero organ.  The one that now pulsed strongly.  Here I will speak for many in the room because without the majority having the exact same feelings my opinion looses strength and becomes just an opinion.  Most of us felt upset.

Two comics later, I graced the stage like a triumphant hero (here I inject some more inside information that is unnecessary but it makes me seem experienced and gives my words more weight).  And now I explain how I used my uncanny comedic skills to address what had happened.  Relief showered down upon the room and all was made good.  A pony was birthed and flowers grew beneath our feet.  Me. I had done that.

Then I turn back to the sadness because that is truly what this tale is about. After tossing three negative words about to describe the quarrel, I concoct an unwarranted reason for Patton’s behavior in order to implant it in your head. Then, for the fourth time, I remind you of his fame and let you know the common man would have had a very different experience.  Elitism is wrong.  Also, I would have uploaded the video if I was the aggrieved woman but I didn’t.  All I did was write an extraordinarily long blog post.

I will now go into a sympathy invoking device that will fall flat.  See, I understand how hard it is to book a small room and attract an audience.  But in making this comment, I completely forgot that comics like Patton attract many audience members, thereby nullifying anyone he drives away.  Oh, and here I will plug my show and call it “special.”  By calling it special, you will understand it has more meaning than an ordinary room and when I reveal this next piece of information, you will see how I was personally injured:  I was going to ask Patton to do my show but now I will not because he is disrespectful.  Patton brings harm to good, special things.

Here is where I explain the preciousness of the audience. They are people who have chosen this room, this sacred ground, over all the other rooms in the City of Angels.  Even walking just one of these precious people causes egregious harm.  I will now use the word “Toxic” to describe what Patton has done.  If you look at this paragraph, you will see how one can increase the value of something with carefully chosen words and then asassinate what you have created with harsh words.

I now toss out a nearly hysterical wish. May that woman not forgo all future comedy shows because one comedian was unkind.  This, again, shows that I am an insider with knowledge and shows my deep concern for other’s well being.  It also shows a love for comedy that puts me above Patton.  I look over this ground.  It is sacred.  I am the watcher, the guardian.

At this point, after using so many words to attack, I acknowledge the validity of Patton’s anger. I do so now because I have already implanted my own speculation about his behavior and I have established myself as the defender of comedy rooms and their hallowed ground.  Here I decide to take the woman who was filming at her word and for no reason believe she would have deleted the video.  It just fits my narrative, so it is. Remember when I said I would have uploaded the video out of spite?  You shouldn’t have, as it undermines my overall point.

I make you understand that I am far from alone in my views of what occurred tonight. Other comedians (experts) felt the same way.  One even said that the outburst ruined Patton for him.  See that?  I used the word “ruined.”  Not sad, or upset, but a word that obliterates what was.  Turns out I catastrophize quite a bit.  That’s what makes blogs like this get attention.  Here I break down just how much Patton meant to me.  He took my Los Angeles comedy audience virginity.  It was on that very night that I chose to do stand up comedy.  This makes what Patton did tonight seem like a personal betrayal.  Isn’t it amazing how Patton being mean to an audience member made me a victim?

Now I explain my courage.  I am courageous for doing this.  I will toss in more of my populist message here.  Famous people are not special! 

And about his looks.  He is ugly.  Yes, I took the low road here because I think I have earned it by painting myself as the golden eagle of small stand up comedy rooms.

Please don’t be human in comedy.  It’s not right.

- Dave Anthony